Lindsey was the first one out of bed this morning because I had to wake her up for school! Apparently all the playing we did with Mr. David here wore her out and she needed some extra sleep. She was a happy camper and enjoyed being the only up and getting my undivided attention; we even left Beau in his kennel until she was waiting on her ride. She came home for a quick snack before she was off to Gabby's house for some sweet Math homework relating to fractions. And I do mean sweet literally; they made fractions out of S'mores and enjoyed eating them too! Once back home Ingram and Lindsey played and also ended up sleeping together again tonight; they're just the cutest things when they find out we're going to let them sleep in the same room.
So we go in for scans tomorrow. It will be a full day but we won't know the results until ate in the day it appears. Scans are a funny thing - for lack of a better description. I think I cognitively reduce them to an up or down for Ingram's life. That isn't to say that if the tumor returns we can't fight it. Certainly, we would. But with ependymoma, the odds are not nearly as good if it does return. And even though God tells us not to worry about our lives, that we can't add a single hour by worrying (Matthew 6), that's very difficult to do. Because of my fallen nature, I don't rely on God as instructed. Instead, I try to orchestrate my life to fit neatly into the little box I envision it being. I go to great lengths to make sure nothing can possibly go wrong in just about everything I do - rather that is a family vacation, weekend plans, a work event, etc... Unfortunately, the outworking of my life is a microcosm of how my brain and heart work. I profess to have faith in God's plan for my life (and for Ingram's for that matter) but then I do everything I can to make sure God gets it just right. If I could buy a cure for my son, I would just to make sure God didn't have a different plan in mind. I know I'm crossing some curvy gray lines between sovereignty and sensible-self-determination.
But at the end of the day, I do whatever I can to minimize the amount of faith upon which I have to rely. I used to do that with my belief in God. I studied apologetics for years and read as much on molecular biology/biochemistry as I could stand so I could prove logically and scientifically why I believed in something that could not be proven. If I could at least disprove someone else's worldview, mine wouldn't seem so naive. At the same time, I was praying that God would give me great faith like I saw in some of my friends, that I wouldn't question everything all of the time. It's funny how God sometimes gives you what you ask for but in ways you don't expect, and sometimes in ways that are a little more painful that you would have chosen. But as James 1 says, we should thank God for our trials because they 1) test our faith, 2) produce perseverance, and 3) eventually make us complete. It does not say that God is giving us trials, but He obviously allows us to go through trials. There is an important distinction between the two for our family. God didn't give Ingram cancer; but, He allows Ingram to have it. Meanwhile, He is here every step of the way with us - often showing His love through many of you who read this.
All of that rambling to say, Ingram's scans are tomorrow and we have been anxious about them. We don't say it out loud, even to each other, but we are scared. I have 100% faith that God hears our prayers and He will never leave our side. I have 100% faith that He loves Ingram in a more perfect way than Ashley or I do. And I have 0% confidence that I know what God's plans are. But I plead with Him that it will be to keep the cancer away from my son. And that's the newest lessen of faith I guess I'm learning - having 100% faith that with His help we can handle whatever His plans include. But I still wish there were a way I could help Him get Ingram's plans right.
|She's Like A "Pink" Ray Of Sunshine!|
|Hopefully This Won't Come Back To Hurt Us, |
But They Had So Much Fun Playing Wii Ski Together!
|Lindsey And Gabby Working Out Their Fractions With S'mores!|
Anyone Want To Go Back To Third Grade With Me To Play With Their Food??
|I Just Love My Guys!|